Here's my perception: Biblical transformation, also know as life with Jesus -- Is war.
Jacob. A fearful man en route to reconcile with the brother he cheated.
The God-Man-Angel-Jesus-Person socks him down in the night and they hash it out. All night.
Jacob is like a hundred years old!
Just when it seems Jacob might just win -- God touches Jacob's hip socket and leaves him gimpy.
Jacob limps away from the encounter, transformed... donned with a new name.
We never find out if the limp (and probably pain) goes away. Just as with Paul's thorn.
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Maybe some people are gifted in contentment?
Not me. I've got this heart overflowing with passion and ideas -- and lots of the intimately associated expectations. And so I wrestle; there are many a day when my soul feels as if it is taking a kirate class. Because we all know that nothing ever pans out like we first anticipate...but I always kinda hope it will.
"Go to Alaska, God says. Go where you will need Me. Be part of this little clinic..."
I go with tears -- & some disillusioned hope and romanticized ideas about how I might just be part of changing a rural community for Jesus. I left the sunshine, my best friends and the prospect of great professional investment. I show up in my scrubs -- and more often than not, most of my days end up being spent on the computer. Some days are great. I grow slowly, I learn what and when I can with the experiences that unfold, but I still feel often like I've committed professional suicide.
The days go by. And there is this fungus in my heart -- a bitterness, resentment about not feeling utilized or not being able to do what I think maybe I might be capable of, of not being able to establish incredible relationships that change the world for the better....
And so I fight it, I struggle, I lash out, I cultivate conflict instead of peace, I wrestle...for almost a year now. "Come on Jesus. Wasn't I called to be nurse for you? Don't you want to use me to help and heal? It's your fault that I'm sitting here, wasting so many days of my life!"
This is a tender subject.
I sometimes feel like I'm often limping around with inflamed cellulitis of my leg or something.
I was (and probably still am), disillusioned, deceived about what my nurse role would, will do for others -- and for Jesus.
And God says..."no one is or does good, but Me alone."
And I say, "but there is SOOO much need in this silly world, USE ME."
We fight on.
And I'm exhausted -- still confused, broken. I try again and again to choose surrender. But as I've written in other posts...I'm competitive & probably too strong-willed.
Here is a text conversation I had with a close friend the other day:
FRIEND (working a hospital job): "New job is okay, learning new stuff, but for some reason it doesn't feel great. I just want to be doing something more for the Kingdom of God. I want to be making a difference for eternity. But I don't even know what that looks like."
ME: "Hm. Interesting how I came here to try and do that...but feel like I haven't done anything, just messed up my pschy in the process...almost like I could 'do so much more' for Jesus anwhere else."
FRIEND: "I think we were a little disillusioned about how we would be changing the world with nursing. And I'm trying to get a reality check."
ME: "Exactly."
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How do you choose contentment? Is it a choice?
Or is it a byproduct, a fruit, of the Holy Spirit's transformation?
Or a choice that transforms -- just like repentance? Is choosing contentment repentance -- an acknowledging of God's Sovereignty and our peon-existence?
Some people say they achieve contentment through gratitude...
Repentance. Gratitude.
If I was a cow....these would be my cud words. Words you can chew on. All day.
And wrestle with...until we die.
What's the deal? Can a restless Christian preach peace?
What has made you limp? Did the limp go away?
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