the grace blanket

I wasn't going to do it. I wasn't going to blog anymore until something bigger happened... something worth writing about.  But alas, I get these inspirational splurges that drive me to the keyboard.

I keep thinking that life will be meaningful, I will be deeply impactful, somehow a game-changer for the Kingdom. And I'll humph and sigh and mope around in the overwhelmed tension of thinking-feeling (because rarely are my thoughts and emotions distinct) that I should be doing more. That tension of waiting for the something to happen -- the aha moment when I finally have enough knowledge, friends, energy, wisdom, time --- to find myself in a place where I'm integral. I hunch that this is a generational problem (yes, books have been written about it); we don't want to waste our lives, we want to achieve something legendary.  For me this has long been associated with mission-work, which is a whole other chapter on idols and dreams and waiting and expectations.

>>>>>>>>>>

But this morning, I woke up chewing on a thought.
What does it mean for me to be covered by grace? Right here, right now?
I so often think about wanting to be a woman of grace-- which comes right back to doing  and not yet having attained. But what does it mean to bask in grace, to be enveloped by, changed by it, in the waiting, breathing, chore-ing?

I ask my husband.
It means, "you are soaked in it, super-saturated... it is sloshing around in your boots." He smirks.
So I think on the picture he's painted--- Excess. Abundance. More than enough.

Grace. I sing about it. Use the word casually quite often, like many a good-Christian should.
But, how often do I truly take pause to remember gratefully---on what it means to be a recipient of abundant grace, in this today moment? It seems we can go along for pretty lengthy stints in ambivalence...

So I think it means--
That it is NOT condemnatory to fall behind on housework. That conquering dishes and laundry--- while it may decrease some stress and diminish some filth--it doesn't achieve for me a greater tier of salvation or eternal-womanhood-merit-points. I am adequate in this messy house, because of His grace.

It is okay to rest, to nap.
It is most often in silence and rest, that I reflect on the goodness of His grace.

It is okay to fail in the brand of motherhood I expect for myself. There are moments I loose it, want to abandon and forsake. There are moments I regret --and for which I mumble and stammer about needing forgiveness at the end of the day with my gracious two year old. Lord, you saw these struggles, the strain of inadequacy and the wanting to do right by the niño, long before I was even born. And still, you usher me into your grace embrace as I error, as I learn, as I grow.

Grace to be uncoordinated, un-made up, mismatched, pimpled, still carrying baby weight two years postpartum. Because just as with faith ambitions and courageous compassion, the spirit is willing, and the flesh is weak. More days than not, I'm grungy, mascara-stained-under-the-eyes, exercise slips by undone --- And my value isn't lessened for it. My loving husband still loves. And Abba still graces.

Because really my concerns today are superficial. And his Grace pierces into the depth of my darkest, ugliest, worst. Straight through to the death that still aims to resurface and strangle. My jealous thoughts. My critical spirit. My discontent. Bitterness. Disbelief. And uglier and uglier it grows.

And then Grace.  Breathe. Christ washes me anew with his fresh, ocean-vast grace blanket. Hold my hand, Lord. Carry me, Papa, day by day. I need You, every waking minute (yes, there should be a "every waking minute" rendition of the hymn "I need thee every hour").

"My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9)

"From His fullness we have all received grace upon grace." (John 1:16)

"...those who receive The Abundance of Grace and the free gift of righteousness Reign in Life through the one man Jesus Christ."  (Rom 5:17)

It's not that we shouldn't try--that we shouldn't walk forward to serve our families, our homes, our neighbors, coworkers, communities. Because we are called to do, to act, to walk humbly, loving mercy and seeking justice.

But oh, the WAR of not-good-enough is REAL.
I'm so thankful that it is not in the doing, achieving, being faithful, that we are redeemed and pardoned---but that in each messy day--we are first and foremost burrito-ed in grace. It starts with grace, life's in-betweens are smothered in grace, it ends with grace, and starts there again by grace.

May you somehow be encouraged as you are met with amazing grace today.