Friends, this week has been nuts...
Tues. morning...
Finished up a string of four night shifts (having had just one patient, a couple phone calls, and one midnight, windy power outage...). You can only organize so many cupboards before doubt and frustration start to seep in... Lord, don't you want me here to be using my nursing skills, to be interacting with people from the community? Don't you entrust me with the care of patients? Am I made for, equipped for more than this? Yes, I want to be a patient, humble servant, but I'm so afraid that somewhere in this equation are years lost to mediocrity and thumb twiddling. I confess to you, being silent before the Lord and patient in doing menial tasks has been trying.
Then...
I caught up on sleep...
Wed...
Overwhelmed and stressed about financial responsibilities and upcoming student loans. Tried to play the guitar. The sky fell with beautiful snow. Crazy hair day at Awana. Midnight stroll a couple miles down the highway with Karie in my winter boots. Saw my first Alaskan fox.
Made my first Alaskan snow angel...
Thurs...
Made some yummy moose stew.
Headed out to a potlatch in a nearby village (a big native celebration of elders who passed away a year ago...weekend event with much eating, singing, dancing, gift giving)...on my way I was worshiping, taking in the beauty of the snowy trees all around me...
then I slipped on some black ice...
I swerved and flipped down a hill on the opposite side of the road.
One, two, three...it all happened so fast.
I could have easily been severely injured, but I walked away as mad as a hornet, traumatized, cold, and without a scratch. There were many people on the road heading to the potlatch as well and I had help immediately. I wasn't stuck in the truck, but was able to squirm out of my seat belt and the vehicle rather quickly.
Got a ticket from the state troopers for loosing control of my vehicle. That was a nice gift.
Friends, there are still so many emotions.
Anger. Loss. Fear. Embarrassment. Additional distress about finances.
Anxiety about surviving the rest of the winter in Alaska. Denial.
I can't believe how unfortunately fortunate I was. God was truly a shield about me.
Tues. morning...
Finished up a string of four night shifts (having had just one patient, a couple phone calls, and one midnight, windy power outage...). You can only organize so many cupboards before doubt and frustration start to seep in... Lord, don't you want me here to be using my nursing skills, to be interacting with people from the community? Don't you entrust me with the care of patients? Am I made for, equipped for more than this? Yes, I want to be a patient, humble servant, but I'm so afraid that somewhere in this equation are years lost to mediocrity and thumb twiddling. I confess to you, being silent before the Lord and patient in doing menial tasks has been trying.
Then...
I caught up on sleep...
Wed...
Overwhelmed and stressed about financial responsibilities and upcoming student loans. Tried to play the guitar. The sky fell with beautiful snow. Crazy hair day at Awana. Midnight stroll a couple miles down the highway with Karie in my winter boots. Saw my first Alaskan fox.
Made my first Alaskan snow angel...
Thurs...
Made some yummy moose stew.
Headed out to a potlatch in a nearby village (a big native celebration of elders who passed away a year ago...weekend event with much eating, singing, dancing, gift giving)...on my way I was worshiping, taking in the beauty of the snowy trees all around me...
then I slipped on some black ice...
I swerved and flipped down a hill on the opposite side of the road.
One, two, three...it all happened so fast.
I could have easily been severely injured, but I walked away as mad as a hornet, traumatized, cold, and without a scratch. There were many people on the road heading to the potlatch as well and I had help immediately. I wasn't stuck in the truck, but was able to squirm out of my seat belt and the vehicle rather quickly.
Got a ticket from the state troopers for loosing control of my vehicle. That was a nice gift.
Friends, there are still so many emotions.
Anger. Loss. Fear. Embarrassment. Additional distress about finances.
Anxiety about surviving the rest of the winter in Alaska. Denial.
I can't believe how unfortunately fortunate I was. God was truly a shield about me.
Friday...I worked a long day the day after I nearly died. I had a mean backache.
Sounds awful, but it was great to be around coworkers who were concerned about my welfare. And I had patients for the first time in weeks!
It was a bad week for fingers. A couple severed phalanges. A torn off nail. Lots of blood and perhaps an awakened calling to be a wound-care nurse in the future?
Saturday...
Soreness from my wreck is subsiding. Worked another slow, slow day. But it was appreciated this time...worked a puzzle with the children of one of the providers. Saw my truck for the first time since the accident & had emotional reflux. Said goodbye as the tow truck hauled my lil' pickup off to Anchorage for assessment of damages. I'm still unsure if it will be totaled or not. Picked a "fight" with a state trooper about the ticket I received (oops.).
Went to the school carnival after work. Quite the event in Glennallen...
Won a goldfish. Ate a caramel apple.
Sunday in Chistochina...Taught Sunday school in a bit of delirium this morning. Of course there were more kids than ever. Darling children, not sure how much they retained. This week's lesson was on the attributes of God. I laughed as I prepared, knowing that semesters and years are devoted to this subject at Biola. Pray that Jordan, Zach, Doreen, Sierra, Cheyenne, Raven, & Romeo may know that God has been, is & is forever and always, that He is the greatest of great (unlike man, needing nothing), that He is everywhere all the time and with us.
IT HAS BEEN A WHIRLWIND.
It is a dangerous thing to make a move motivated out of the prayer and desire to need God more.
(This prayer largely prompted the decision made to move to Alaska.)
This has been the result so far...
God has demanded my everything.
I feel I have nothing but Him to boast in...which is good, but a desperate place.
I am poor, I am without my familiar friends, I have no prestige in my job, I am needy.
And yet, somehow, I am rich and so very blessed...my heart hurts, but remains mostly joyful.
Please pray for me, friends. I feel wrecked emotionally. I need God to be near. I need Him to prove provider. I need Him to build me up anew. I need your prayers.
Oh, Erin, I am thanking God for how he has already used you through this trauma to speak to at least me. He seems to have extreme ways of confirming to us that no detail we do in His name is meaningless; confirming to us that it's not things we need, it's dependence on Him. His protection from major injury or death from this accident clearly says to me that He wants you where you are with these special people for his purposes. I have a renewed faith in God's working everyday giant miracles today. Much love, honey!
ReplyDeleteDad adds....
ReplyDeleteI just want to add my heartfelt AMEN to your Mom's thoughtful words. You remain always in my heart and prayers.
My erin, you are loved and missed more than you know. Trust Him, though the cost is so great...the reward, i hear, is worth it......so grateful for you in my life and so grateful for ur life
ReplyDeleteErin, what a wonderful journey you're on. It won't always feel so wonderful, but you're in the best place you possibly can be: right where God wants you! And as your mom already said so well, His protection clearly indicates that you're right where you're supposed to be. My current new job situation leaves me feeling pretty desperate and lonely some days too, and questioning if it's really where God wants me, but you know, it's in these times we grow closer to God, and that, in the end, no matter what trials we must go through on the way, is far better than anything else! Hang in there, old friend, and know that you are prayed for!
ReplyDelete