inauguration.

"hello, new life."

how many days have i said this?

first day of college. first day out of college. 

stepping off the plane in alaska. new job. first day as mrs. 

so many shifting seasons.

now motherhood.

  

i've been ushered into new by the ceremonial stretch marks, blood, poop, placenta and baby. 

God grew life within me, somehow He made it come out breathing and in one piece -- and then i was handed and received a bundle of responsibility.

maybe we mamas should place our hand on the Bible and make a vow of sorts before God before we receive the little person to our chest? for this is no frivolous pintrest project, this is no graded assignment, this is life unfiltered, despite our best instragram edits -- it's chaotic together-mess, filled with plenty of growing pains.

and i know i've only just started. i know it will only be an uphill climb from here. six weeks in. he's only one child, can't move much on his own yet, what do i really know of this mom-life?

i know that i've had a taste of it. a rather miniscule snapshot of mothering a rather content newborn. 

and it's been a journey...

i know that there is nothing that compares to that face. those hands with the knuckle dimples. those eyelashes. toes.  

i know that when my eyes burn from being open, when my wrists ache from the hold-and-sway, that it is a great misfortune when the baby nods off & you finally get to pee...and there is no more toilet paper on the roll.

...that my broken sleep pattern has resulted in brain malfunction on several accounts...like the time I couldn't remember how to spell my son's name. E.L.I.S.A? E.L.S.I.A? I'm afraid mommy-brain may truly be worse than pregnancy brain?

...that somehow my body still sustains this child with life-juice and he's growing and thriving -- and all the hunched-over hours of nursing to calm and soothe the wails, grunts and whimpers are worth it. 

...showering before noon takes a new kind of gumption. and that's not out of laziness. but because I was already up at one-thirty, three, five, and again at six & i sleep when i can for sanity sake, even it is nine to eleven. and sometimes the noon-shower is a two-in-the-afternoon-shower, because laying the babe down results in fuss fest. 

…there is a reason why rocking chairs rock….and why fisherprice invented a vibrate setting.

…that when I have gas, baby, you’ve got it too…and we’ll wish together for the deflate button.

…that i have cried tired tears over spilt milk -- over undone dishes and crumbs on the floor that get squished to my socks. clean is now synonymous with straightened, on-the-to-do-list, or “in process”.

...never have I worried so much, or been stretched to trust like this...

...it’s ridiculous that we are still buying milk when the whole house likely has a thin coat on most every surface.

 ...that multitasking & motherhood are the same thing...

...i can choose to cherish the now…or grieve the now for the loss it will become tomorrow. i need to savor this infancy stage.

i know too, that it has taken me several weeks to jot this blog for persistent interruption.  that i should be sleeping or cleaning or exercising instead of blogging...and that it is snowing in april after I thought I had done and met this year’s spring, that ramen for lunch was a bad idea….

most days i feel like a reclusive troll, stumbling around with an unmade face and a mess of hair spewing in several directions. when i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, i have to blink twice for the wonder that i see. who is that frumpy, tired woman with the heavy chest and scarred belly? i blink again, hoping the fluter of my eyelids will improve something. the scars and the milk, like a badge of honor, bluntly remind me of my inauguration... of my new reality.

to all the mommas who have gone before me: you deserve more than an annual accolade, this often unlovely, glorious grunt work seems the stuff of heroes. i think of my own mother, the mommies at the park, the grocery store, i think of everyone's someone-mother, and i wonder, how? -- many have done it minimally, many have completely abandoned the daunting task, but to be a persistent mama, faithful to love and guide the little life who has been miraculously entrusted to us, is quite a challenge...a challenge that so far seems to know well the rugged tension between humanity and grace.