I feel I'm on the brink of something new... perhaps...
On the brink of letting go, of gentle exhalation.
As I've written about before, working at Cross Road has been a gift in many ways...
In So Many Ways.
But in pride, I often long for more, long for a greater position of influence, long to be admired for my intellect and skill...Lord, may it be the "sloughing" of this pride that hurts so when instead of having an opportunity to pray with patient...I have the opportunity to pray while washing dishes...when instead of receiving accolades for balancing a crazy-patient filled day...I'm asked to stock supplies or audit charts....I'm asked to wait in contented, un-glorified, seemingly unfair quiet...asked to wait on the Lord, trusting that even though it seems like, dare I say it, like He is laughing in my face, it is His sovereign, perfect wisdom that knows that this needs to be a quiet, humbling season in my life.
Perspective. Ouch. How easy it is to complain in the unfulfilled desire to make some great impact...when...life is hardly about the grandiose...when so many people are tormented with much more despairing lots...when the children of Angola (country of the week!) are being sold into prostitution in order to feed themselves, raising themselves in this confusion, with absent guidance, longing to survive another day... with the desire to "be someone important or someone great for God," at the very most a distant & peripheral thought, I'm sure?
Surely, working and serving at a slow clinic is hardly a challenge to bemoan?
Ah, but life is so fleeting...and I long for this life to be used up for the Kingdom...
Just as the frustrated pressure we can induce when we breathe in deeply, deeply... filling our lungs with air, burns...so my present position is a bit uncomfortable....but I feel close. I am nearing a peaceable acceptance...realizing that stewing at the point of combustion isn't going to hurry me into a Kingdom-advancing role...I'm about ready to relax...to dismiss anxiety and sigh. Maybe.
I hope.
Please pray with me.
How often life & ministry offer a nitty gritty, hardly romanticized reality.
So here we are...asked to be faithful in the small things.
This week I said to a friend, "surrender is a powerful thing."
May I now be brave enough to do just that, to surrender & just breathe...and to keep breathing.
On the brink of letting go, of gentle exhalation.
As I've written about before, working at Cross Road has been a gift in many ways...
In So Many Ways.
But in pride, I often long for more, long for a greater position of influence, long to be admired for my intellect and skill...Lord, may it be the "sloughing" of this pride that hurts so when instead of having an opportunity to pray with patient...I have the opportunity to pray while washing dishes...when instead of receiving accolades for balancing a crazy-patient filled day...I'm asked to stock supplies or audit charts....I'm asked to wait in contented, un-glorified, seemingly unfair quiet...asked to wait on the Lord, trusting that even though it seems like, dare I say it, like He is laughing in my face, it is His sovereign, perfect wisdom that knows that this needs to be a quiet, humbling season in my life.
Perspective. Ouch. How easy it is to complain in the unfulfilled desire to make some great impact...when...life is hardly about the grandiose...when so many people are tormented with much more despairing lots...when the children of Angola (country of the week!) are being sold into prostitution in order to feed themselves, raising themselves in this confusion, with absent guidance, longing to survive another day... with the desire to "be someone important or someone great for God," at the very most a distant & peripheral thought, I'm sure?
Surely, working and serving at a slow clinic is hardly a challenge to bemoan?
Ah, but life is so fleeting...and I long for this life to be used up for the Kingdom...
Just as the frustrated pressure we can induce when we breathe in deeply, deeply... filling our lungs with air, burns...so my present position is a bit uncomfortable....but I feel close. I am nearing a peaceable acceptance...realizing that stewing at the point of combustion isn't going to hurry me into a Kingdom-advancing role...I'm about ready to relax...to dismiss anxiety and sigh. Maybe.
I hope.
Please pray with me.
How often life & ministry offer a nitty gritty, hardly romanticized reality.
So here we are...asked to be faithful in the small things.
This week I said to a friend, "surrender is a powerful thing."
May I now be brave enough to do just that, to surrender & just breathe...and to keep breathing.
I received a book of prayers by Ted Loder from a friend this week...
this prayer seems to encapsulate my emotion...
this prayer seems to encapsulate my emotion...
Gentle me,
Holy One,
into an unclenched moment,
a deep breath,
a letting go of heavy expectancies,
of shriveling anxieties,
of dead certainties,
that, softened by the silence,
surrounded by the light,
and open to the mystery,
I may be found by wholeness,
upheld by the unfathomable,
entranced by the simple,
and filled with the joy that is You.
Amen.
Amen.
I think that no matter where we are in life, it's easy to feel like we're not doing all we can for the Kingdom of God. And I agree with you, when I imagine doing ministry, I think of this romanticized world-changing calling, but the reality is so far from this. It's often just the nitty gritty, like you said. Something I remind myself of at least once a week is that God interrupts faithfulness. For example, I don't think where I am at right now is where God will ultimately call me, but for now I want to be faithful with what I a given and minister in the ways I can now. And then hopefully someday God will call me to something greater. I'm trying to work on being faithful with little so that God will entrust me with much later on.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing Erin. I'm gonna call you soon so we can catch up better. Love you my friend!