I remember being scolded by my grandmother, when I was probably eight or nine, after proclaiming "I hate you" during a card game, fumingly frustrated that my score was no longer leading, winning. I was a born competitor. While the stress of it often curdled my stomach, I thrived in the competitive world of gymnastics, swimming, track. Academically, I pained myself, made sacrifices I shouldn't have, to always win, to prove myself champion of the grade point average.
While this attribute is perhaps not innately one of sin, it has been interesting how easily my competitive motivation carries over into nursing, into ministry & my perception of fruitfulness.
I've come to realize how desperately I want to be recognized and awarded for my efforts in life. And when instead, I feel forgotten, under appreciated, even disrespected -- when I feel I'm failing or losing, my giving attempts shrivel and a destructive monster of pride begins to growl,
hungry for "me-glory".
I deserve more than this, I believe. I choose bitterness and ingratitude. I should prove to be the best servant, the best missionary, the best employee, God should entrust more patients to me, because I'm supposed to be the best...people are just blind and God is just ambivalent to my professional interests right now. I get physically sickened when others get the attention, the affirmation, the praise. Jealousy.
My Christian resume becomes my idol.
I forget that the prize I'm straining for isn't a ribbon or a trophy with my name on it.
My brothers and sisters become annoying competition.
And yet this Jesus, God-man-Savior...this Emmanuel I love, reminds me of His story.
"..He made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, {GOD!} being born in the likeness of {stinky, ugly, scummy-hearted} men...and he humbled himself to the point of death, even death on a cross..." Phil. 2: 7-8. Palms nailed down, arms wide to embrace our, my punishment.
So, Jesus became a lowly man with likely his fair share of athlete's foot and acne. But then I respond, but of course he didn't care about being less-than, because He knows he wins in the end, that he will rise victor over death, over the serpent.
So I think some more...
So while maybe Jesus didn't really have any competition, Jesus doesn't keep our score.
Oh yeah, that grace thing.
Whoever has the most patients in a day, doesn't win an extra Jesus point.
Jesus doesn't give you better real estate in heaven if you do the dishes or sweep up a dust bunny with the intent to win a thank you or a pat on the back.
Jesus knows that we are the dust bunny. And a selfish one.
And no amount of body building is going to make us any less dusty.
"...By grace you have been saved...and this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. {But}, we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared...that we should walk in them." Eph. 2:8-9
Jesus has a plan to put our lives and our talents in motion for him, but it isn't a talent show for his bemusment or our salvation. But rather for His kingdom and glory. "And whatever you do, in word or deed, everything in the name of the Lord Jesus {not unto yourself!}, giving thanks...Col. 3: 17
Jesus knows that sometimes our best efforts will be miscontrued, ignored, mocked, in this unforgiving world... "But Jesus gave {them} no anwer." John 19:9
So maybe my biggest competition is not against other Christian do-gooders, but against my own self deception. A battle to defeat my jealous, hungry monster and to choose true Christ-like humility, to embrace the gifts of my church family, even if they are better than me.
I think I could probably go on and on about this...but it will still all boil down to the famous first liner in Rick Warren's Purpose Driven legacy: It's not about you...or me.
I think I could probably go on and on about this...but it will still all boil down to the famous first liner in Rick Warren's Purpose Driven legacy: It's not about you...or me.
I often feel the same way Erin. I want to be that person that people look at and say, "Wow, what a godly woman." But, unfortunately, this desire is not always because I want God to be glorified. Often times, it because of my own need for self-exaltation. I was trying to explain it to someone the other day, but I'm not quite so gifted with words. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteDitto to what Cory said... I have felt the same way and you have magically put it into words. Thank you for your honesty. It helps bring freedom to those who are in the same boat. And, I think most of us women who love Jesus feel you!!
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