Mirror, mirror on the wall...

I remember waking when I was a child, and with bedroom door ajar, I'd watch as my older, high-school age sister finished her hair and make up. I remember admiring her and her appearance, longing to be as beautiful as she...

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?..."

We hate the evil queen in Snow White, we loath her jealousy & her selfishness as we cheer the innocent, dwarf-and-animal-loving lass...

And as I look in the mirror today, who stares back at me? Who am I, who am I becoming?  A princess after God's heart...or a prideful witch?

I have become quick to hate. More often than not, I hate my job. I hate my community. I hate family members. I criticize. Then I hate my hatred. I brood in discontent. I weep over my bitterness, my jealousy, my selfish ambition to be the better nurse, the better whatever. I want, I want, I want. If only, blah, blah, blah. I convince myself that I could do better in different circumstances. I curse hormones, the weather, darkness, rural landscapes. I point fingers and cross my arms and stew some more. I think cruel, rash, harsh, poisonous thoughts. Anxiety is all too eager to embrace me, to strangle me, for fear of failure, for lack of control and perfection. I'm messy. I'm nauseatingly discontent, restless, bored. I feel devoid of good, of life, of purpose. I scoff and I'm sarcastic.

I'm a pathetic, evil witch.

How? How can this hideous reflection be the reflection of one redeemed? How is it that God's mercies and gracious love would extend so far?  What will I choose to believe? Will I choose to hate myself and lose hope? Or will I accept Truth and trust Jesus with my life, trust His Sovereignty over the things I can't change? Will I let dreams and joy die, or cling to the One who ever inspired them anyway? This is my war right now. And I'm afraid it is the want-to-love-Jesus-human-condition-thing.

For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.  (Rom. 7:25)

All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way. (Is. 53:6)
And Jesus was crushed, wounded and killed for this...to rectify our erring waywardnesss.
To bring us peace.

And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked... But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved. (Ephesians 2:1-2, 4-5) He is a living God who ushers us to life. How can Satan make death and ugly things morph into such an inviting cesspool? Why would we even be tempted to choose anything but help, hope, & life?

Jesus, make me new. Again.

And here's my next question & can of worms:  Does God provide sufficient strength, does the Holy Spirit supply ample self-control to overcome the wrath of birthcontrol pills? And is it possible that switching might make me a better Christ follower?