When the quiet place feels like prison...

The past month of nighshifts:
Sleep. Sit up all night. Sleep all day. Sit up all night again waiting for the occasional patient or infrequent phone call. REPEAT. Do it again. And again. January at work...has felt like a prison.

It has been ISOLATING. DARK. DEPRESSING. LONELY. FRIGHTENINGLY QUIET. FRUSTRATING MEANINGLESS FOR HOURS, FOR MORE HOURS. FOR DAYS.

Isolation has been used as a form of torture for...forever. I used to boast that if someone ever threw me in a padded room...that I would be fine and dandy to entertain myself unto death. Wrong. Solitude can easily be a formula for insanity. Sitting by myself for extended hours of time, for days...for most of the month, has really proved to be one of the hardest challenges I have ever been "called" to cope with.

What a disgusting concept. Pampered white woman in conservative Alaska has to think of things to occupy herself for a month, has to learn to pray and mediate and wait...and I...compare it to torture. True martyrs -- those arrested and persecuted...even killed for faithfulness, boldness...might cry at my complaint, my petty comparison. Or maybe they'd pray for me.

When did I become so American -- that I've become dependent on being productive in order to justify my value and my dedication to Jesus? Why is it so hard to sit and be with Jesus for more than a few hours? When did I stop longing for time and space to dwell in Jesus' presence...so much so that the gift of this very thing...has become a suffocating, hopeless, purposeless place? Shouldn't I be able to be still, to mediate on God and his Word in joy and peace and contented gratitude forever? I should be on my face in worship and thankfulness that my job right now can even offer a place of sanctuary....but I moan that the night is long and empty....

Perspective: John the Baptist. Apostle Paul. Brother Yun. Thousands and thousands of other disciples devoted to following Christ who have been arrested and thrown into a prison cell. Days. Years. Lifetimes. Many sitting in isolation...with time abundant to think and pray, to worship. What if I actually do become imprisoned one day for my faith? What will I think of this season....

So here's to sucking it up. Jesus, HELP me to be STILL. For crying out loud, Erin, EMBRACE the gift of the QUIET PLACE....and LISTEN for the still, small voice of God. Even if it doesn't make sense that this is "time to be a nurse"...GOD IS MYSTERIOUS, Erin Kathleen, let God be God and delight in Him!

For what it's worth, I hope my pep talk encourages you to slow down, to be still, to be thankful...

Here's some missionary advice: Before you launch yourself to great deeds for the kingdom, be with God until it feels like your mind is going to explode, then be with him in quietness some more.

"For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel,
'In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be yours strength.' But you were unwilling, and you said, 'No! We will flee upon horses'... the Lord waits to be gracious to you." Isa. 30:15-18